Just Me!!

As I was laying in bed the other night I came to the realization that I am not myself. As a matter of fact I haven't been my true self in a very long time. I don't know where the turning point happened but I really miss being the happy go lucky person that would rather sit at home or enjoy a shopping trip and lunch with my best of friends. Instead I am the on the go, wanting to help with everything and being out there everywhere and wanting to be a part of everything because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I miss a lot of things that make me who I am and I would say that the biggest ones are my family, my church (which was a big part of my life growing up), my shopping buddies, my once a month lunch date, my date nights with my husband, sitting down with a bottle of wine and basking at all the things I am truly thankful for. 

I have become this person who is fighting to "fit" in to a place I don't belong with people who aren't meant to be in my life and who just are there because I seek them out. The so called friends who tell me they miss me  when they hadn't seen me, but really they are just saying that to be nice. I see the looks and know the routine because I myself am guilty of doing that to the people I love the most. You get that "oh no what do they want now"  look and then start looking around to send out the silent signal to someone to come rescue you because it is not nice to be rude and you would rather be talking to anyone but the person you are talking to. The I don't dare ask how they are because I don't have the energy to talk to them or yet listen to their nonsense.

I find myself wanting to go back in time and have a do over so I can avoid making the same mistakes. I know I would choose wiser and not go astray from the values that were instilled in me by my grandparents. My grandparents were and are my rock when things got crazy in life they were there with a load of advise open arms and a shoulder to cry on. I really leaned on them and now I hardly see or talk to those that are still living.

I miss my one and only "best" friends from high school. The one who if we did not talk to for a long time we could pick up right where we left off as if we had been there the whole time. I miss our lunch dates. I miss her introducing me to new restaurants, food, wine and drinks. I miss the long talks about nothing and everything. I miss the see who can bee later me or her since being on time is not one of our strong suits. I miss griping about the kids,significant other and the woes of life. I miss reminiscing about the crazy stuff we use to do.

I miss the late night calls to my most "Fave" cousin. I miss talking to her about the crazy times we had growing up and the trips we use to go on with grandpa and what new creations she has come up with in her addiction to crocheting.  I miss hearing about her adventures and telling her about the girls. I miss her period.

I miss my husband. I miss the silly little notes we would write to one another. The date nights which we would go to dinner and the go walk off the food we at at either Target or Walmart sometimes we would go to the mall and just walk around. I miss dreaming and planning with him. I miss snuggling with him. We still live in the same house but I feel as though we are separated, more like roommates rather than a couple. I feel like I have changed and yet he is still the same.

This is me venting wanting to change the unchangeable. My outlet, my story. Plain and simply put just me!!